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“Just because he came… Don’t mean you made him cum”

One day a girlfriend of mine asked to buy me dinner. In exchange, I was to figure out her love life. Here she was, smart, a successful lawyer earning a six-figure income,attractive (well, she was no supermodel, but a solid 7) with a relatively decent personality. So while it was relatively easy for her to ‘get a date’, every single man would run fleeing into the hills after 3 weeks. Like clockwork.

Every. Single. Time.

I'd rather be masturbating.

I’d rather be masturbating.

 

And so, in the spirit of inquiry I let her take me to dinner. After two hours of listening to her go on and on meticulously analyzing every single detail of each and every failed relationship, I soon realized the singular and very obvious truth of why she couldn’t keep a man. And so, like the true wine slut that I am, I downed the rest of the decent, mid-priced Bordeaux and said:

So I’ve figured out your problem, sweetie.

Really? What is it?

It’s all very simple you see. It’s not your hair, it’s not that men are intimidated by your education or your job or the piles of money you make. It’s…. well….fuck it all, you’re obviously really bad in bed.

What?!??!! I am not.

Yes you are.

No I’m not.

(Yawn) Yes you are.

I won’t bore you with any more dialogue but this went on for quite some time. I was, eventually able to convince her that she was terrible in bed, but only after another bottle. This time I went for a 1997 Chambolle Musigny, because fuck all, nothing, not even advice, is free in this world.

What I find most interesting is that most women (like, 9.9 out of 10) think that they are good in bed. Most of the time, it’s based on no reality whatsoever… in fact, no matter what you look like: Gisele, midget, troll, whatever…if you’re a woman, you’re likely to think that you’re a minx in the sack.

Bollocks.

Well, then how do you REALLY know? Here’s a simple questionnaire to help you gauge your own sexual prowess…

  • Question 1: Do you masturbate at least 3 times / week?

If your answer is ‘no’, you’re probably bad in bed.

What a coincidence, I jerk off too!

What a coincidence, I jerk off too!

 

“…there are only two types of women out there really.


Those who jerk off and those who don’t.

 

 

I’ve come to find that there are only two types of women out there really. Those who jerk off and those who don’t.  Women who masturbate do it frequently, enthusiastically, with passion, determination and focus, regardless of whether they have are having regular sex with a partner. In fact, women who are having the best sex often masturbate the most.

If this seems counterintuitive to you, then you probably belong in the other category, which also means that you probably suck in bed. Why is this? It’s simple, really. Women who refrain from self-love do so for several reasons. Sometimes it’s for religious reasons, at which point masturbation translates into shame, guilt, and embarrassment for them. Even without the religion, for many women masturbation has always been somewhat taboo, especially for women. All of these negative feelings about sex ultimately come through in the sack. This is inevitable.

  • Question 2: After you’ve gone down on a man, do you have tears and snot dripping down your face? Does the back of your throat feel like it went 9 rounds with Mike Tyson? After one blowjob from you, does your man whimper and sob into the pillow like his dog just died? If you’ve answered ‘no’ to the following questions, you’re probably bad in bed.

Again, not to oversimplify but all women fall into two categories.

1. Bitches that love to suck cock.

2. Everyone else.

You can’t fake that shit either ladies, your love of cock must be genuine to shine through.

Poor denigrated lion...

Shame of the Serengeti; another denigrated lion.

 

 

 

“…how the hell does holding a man’s most sacred, precious part of his body, in your mouth, grazing your teeth, TAKE AWAY power?”

 

 

 

 

I once spoke to a woman who hated giving head because it was ‘denigrating to women and took away her power’. Are you serious?!? If someone could give me an intelligent answer to how the hell does holding a man’s most sacred, precious part of his body, in your mouth, grazing your teeth, TAKE AWAY power? …then I’m all ears. That’s like seeing a lion with a gazelle between his jaws and saying that the gazelle is taking away the lion’s power. Dumb bitch.

  • Question 3: Do watch porn? If the answer is no, then bitch, you for sure suck in bed.

Why you ask? Simple. Pornography has now become the gold standard for each and every romp in the hay. Don’t swallow? You suck in bed. Won’t allow a facial? You’re uptight, bitch. No anal? No callback. With the advent of readily available Internet porn (you’re reading this on hotchicksonly.com, after all…the Richebourg of porn sites duh), your bedroom know-how is being compared with every nothing-to-lose nasty freak that is willing to do anything to for 50 bucks and a ride home. Welcome to the digital age (Thanks, Al Gore!).

 

“…a man will stomach a bad personality for YEARS…
if she makes his knees tremble.”

 

 

In sum, ladies just because men desire you, doesn’t mean you’re a barrel of fun in the sack. In fact, if you can’t keep a man for more a few weeks at a time, it’s because you’re terrible in bed. Because everyone knows,a man will stomach a bad personality for YEARS…if she makes his knees tremble.

Because in vino veritas, bitches…

 ~The Wine Slut

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4 responses to ““Just because he came… Don’t mean you made him cum””

  1. Sunny says:

    Luv it! Reminds me of the time my friend was loud and drunk at a restaurant. Our waiter chastised her. She responded: “It’s not like I’m naked and masturbating on the table!” The crowd was in an uproar. Maybe we do need to raise our freak flag huh ladies? Count me a Wine Slut Fan!

  2. hotco says:

    nice post…

  3. Imthiyaz Ali says:

    cool

  4. Fritzi Kaudz says:

    Wine Slut you are a credit to the institutions of higher learning!

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In vino veritas, bitches...

"Ladies, how the hell does holding a man’s most sacred, precious part of his body, in your mouth, grazing your teeth, TAKE AWAY power? …That’s like seeing a lion with a gazelle between his jaws and saying that the gazelle is taking away the lion’s power." READ MORE

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